Our advice? Stay home

If you’ve ever fantasized about scaling Mount Everest, think again. A new study of professional mountain climbers shows that high-altitude climbing causes a subtle loss of brain cells and motor function. LINK

If you've ever dreamed of skiing untracked powder at Mad River Glen, think again. Anecdotal evidence of professional freeskiers and those who wish they were shows that the unrestrained joy and fluidity of motion causes a not-so-subtle loss of social skills and career ambition. Attempting to ski on Saturdays may lead to blurry vision, headaches, and pain while urinating.

If you've ever spaced out during a meeting while dreaming of Kingdom Trails' singletrack, think again. An unsubstantiated study of mountain bikers with unrestrained access to variable terrain singletrack shows that day after day of high-speed rolling action causes a distinct loss of short term memory loss and liver function. While unfiltered singletrack is a concern, much more so is the emerging issue of "secondhand singletrack": a billowing, floating spray of "dude that was so sweet" and "you should've been there" that can lead to parking lot thrashings and 2x4 planking ambushes.

If you've ever dreamed of standing alone in the heat of summer and casting to schooling stripers on the coast of Maine, think again. Three out of four dentists have proven in clinical tests that adding more people to the sport of fly fishing will only make their favorite fishing spots more crowded. The tests also conclude that the combination of relaxation, excitement, warm beer and cold sandwiches can lead to job loss and marital disfunction. Side effects of erections lasting more than four hours are uncommon, but if you have one, take a picture.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I really don't understand the whole 'get more people in the outdoors' movement...damn socialists...